You’ve had the conversation…again. You were clear. You were kind. You were direct. You set expectations, offered support, followed up. Maybe you even put it in their review. And still... nothing changes.
You start to wonder: Are they not trying? Do they not care? Are they just not capable? Am I failing as a leader? It starts to feel like you’re banging your head against the wall hoping for a different result. You’re stuck. And so are they.
When someone won’t change their behavior, it’s tempting to double down - clearer feedback, more accountability, another goal meeting. But sometimes, the answer isn’t more effort. But sometimes the answer isn’t more effort. It’s a different lens.
Two hidden barriers often block change: psychological safety and vertical development. They shape what people can do, not just what they will do.
Our brains are scanning for danger 5 to 7 times per second - not just physical threats but social ones too. Eye rolls, dismissive comments, crossed arms can signal: It’s not safe to ask for help. It’s not safe to try something new and mess it up. It’s not safe to admit I don’t know.
Even if someone understands what you’re asking and wants to do it, their brain may be yelling: Don’t! It’s not safe! Safety is influenced by culture, past experiences, personality, and how the brain interprets the signals around it.
Most development we offer as leaders is horizontal - it adds more knowledge, skills, and tools. Helpful, but sometimes not enough.
Vertical development expands how people see and make sense of the world. Without it, you’re pouring water into a full glass - it overflows, not because they don’t care, but because their current “container” can’t hold more. This isn’t a knowledge gap; it’s a sense-making gap.
When someone is stuck from low psychological safety or limited vertical development, they need a different kind of coaching - one that helps them build safety and expand their “glass”. Here are a few ideas.
Safety is shaped by culture and past experience. You can’t just declare it safe; the brain needs proof. Help them try small, low-risk experiments (like tapping the ice with your foot before stepping on a frozen lake). Ask:
Introduce the concept of psychological safety so they can name and test the fears driving their hesitation.
If they’re stuck, they may not see what you see. Help them expand their perspective:
And then…hold space. Let them wrestle with their thinking. Don’t rush in with the “right” answer or a tidy fix. Be comfortable with the silence. Encourage reflection and messy drafts of their ideas. Say:
Increasing safety and sense-making is deep work - it takes vulnerability, courage, and time. Recognize it. Celebrate it. Say:
Share your own growth stories, especially the messy ones. When you model it’s okay to not know, to fail, and to learn out loud, you give them permission to do the same.
When someone stays stuck, so do you. Energy drains. Trust erodes. Culture takes the hit. But when you coach for safety and sense-making, you unlock real growth - for them, for you, and for your team.
That’s not just behavior change. That’s leadership.